THE PLATONIC KISS
I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is,
but could you explain to me the difference between the following
kisses?
Aristotelian kiss
Hegelian kiss
Wittgensteinian kiss
Godelian kiss
Signed,
Confused in Connecticut
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Dear Confused,
That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education
courses focus on secondary and tertiary sources, so much
so that few people really get exposed to the classics in
this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but clear
summary of some of these important types of kisses:
Aristotelian kiss : a kiss performed using techniques gained
solely from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential
data by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.
Hegelian kiss : dialiptical technique in which the kiss
incorporates its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.
Wittgensteinian kiss : the important thing about this type
of kiss is that it refers only to the symbol (our internal
mental representation we associate with the experience of
the kiss--which must necessarily also be differentiated
from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not
be by any means the same or even similar for the different
people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself
and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted
generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof
based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.
Godelian kiss : a kiss that takes an extraordinarily long
time, yet leaves you unable to decide whether you've been
kissed or not.
Socratic kiss : really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed
to be the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative;
however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic
kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground.
Kantian kiss : a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal"
contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal"
plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are,
nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever
given or received.
Kafkaesque kiss : a kiss that starts out feeling like it's
about to transform you but ends up just bugging you.
Sartrean kiss : a kiss that you worry yourself to death
about even though it really doesn't matter anyway.
Russell-Whiteheadian kiss : a formal kiss in which each
lip and tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined,
even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.
Pythagorean kiss : a kiss given by someone who has developed
some new and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them
on anyone for fear that others would find out about them
and copy them.
Cartesian kiss : a particularly well-planned and coordinated
movement: "I think, therefore, I aim." In general,
a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied
with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been
kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving
greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)
Heisenbergian kiss : a hard-to-define kiss--the more it
moves you, the less sure you are of where the kiss was;
the more energy it has, the more trouble you have figuring
out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of
kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the
level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure
if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage,
however, that you need not have anyone else in the room
with you to enjoy them.
Nietzscheian kiss : "she/he who does not kiss you,
makes your lust stronger."
Zenoian kiss : your lips approach, closer and closer, but
never actually touch.
Signed
@-/--- The Gethsemene Rose ---/-@
